"Surviving Is Only the Beginning" by Leslie Rivera

    With the recent allegations made toward Ceasar Chaves, I feel it is important to have a discussion on survivorship and the culture of protecting abusers. For a long time being a survivor, to me, meant being vigilant and untrusting of others, especially old men. It meant being afraid of my own family, and it meant being quiet. I have seen the criticisms Dolores Huertas has gotten for only now speaking up about the abuse she suffered. But I know why; it is the same reason I was quiet for so long—fear and peace. Latino culture protects abusers and punishes victims. Many cultures do. I know so many friends and family members that were shunned by family for daring to accuse a relative of assaulting them while those same relatives continued to allow the abuser to live in the same house as the victim. I thought that by being silent I was protecting the unity of the family; we had already lost so much. When I did come forward, I was met with tears and apologies from my mother and relentless interrogation from my father.

    When you experience abuse like that at a young age, it changes you in ways you don’t realize until years later. For me it was watching every step anyone made; it was making sure I was never alone with someone, and it was planning attacks in case I needed to protect myself. It was an all-consuming paranoia and hate that slowly ate away at my mind. For a long time, I did not even know I was a victim; I was too young to truly understand what had happened to me. I believed that everyone was always lying to me about who they were and that they were my friends.

     Being a survivor means many things to different people, to me it means coming out the other side alive. It means I can begin the difficult healing process to have control over my fear and my mind. I’ll be completely honest that I have no clue on what to do next in the healing journey; it’s still hard for me to even talk about what happened. But I do know that it starts with coming forward and letting your voice be heard. Healing will take a long time, and there will be scars left behind, but it is worth it to prove to yourself and others that being a survivor means learning to live again. I want my ability to see the humanity in others back, because for so long I saw people for the monsters they could be rather than the humans they were.