December 2025 "Delectable Discourse 4: Would You Become Santa Claus?" by Emily Rawlings

Tis the season for watching cheesy romantic movies where a spiritless big-town man moves to a small town where he falls in love with a small-town girl who believes in the spirit of Christmas. These movies all seem to focus on destroying the non-belief in the spirit of Christmas, leaving everyone jolly and reinspired to engage in capitalism. Many Christmas movies center on the trope where the responsibility of being Santa Claus is passed on to someone who is unwilling, so in this fourth issue of Delectable Discourse, where I ask college students a scrumptious new question each month, I asked the following: If Santa Claus tries to pass on his responsibilities to you, would you become the new Santa Claus, and if so, what would you do differently?

“I would, and I would start going to the third world countries. I don’t think he goes there. I would give presents to Muslim kids as well as Christian… I would let the elves unionize.” -William

“Oh, I would use it for evil. I would deliver presents to the bad people. Bad presents to the bad people.” -Anapaula

“I don’t think I want to be Santa Claus. I would have to know what all the kids want, and that is too much pressure. I get so sleepy, so I don’t think I would be able to stay up all night to deliver all those presents… Santa is an allegory for late-stage capitalism. I reject consumerism. Christmas is about eating cookies and tamales. Thanksgiving is my real favorite holiday. But if I was to become Santa, all the cookies would be nice, but I would leave the cups of milk. It would make me… I’m lactose intolerant. If Will is Santa Claus, I would lock my bathroom door because he would upper decker my toilet.” -Hannah

“I don’t think I would want to be Santa Claus because I don’t like being in the cold, I would get tired, I don’t have great dexterity to wrap presents, I am not a fan of sugar cookies that much (unless it’s gingerbread, which would be okay), I wouldn’t want to enter people’s homes without their knowledge, there is a lot of pressure, and I would want to do a job that I would actually enjoy.” -Leslie

“Ooo, that’s interesting. What would I do different? Huh. The idea of Christmas is about material gifts; I would focus on in-depth gifts like family, brotherhood, etc. During Christmas, there should be unity, but some families gather to fight. Since Santa Claus has the power to give anything, I would give people virtues so that people can have more virtuous lives. The idea of that would be people would have the virtues forever, so Christmas would last forever; the spirit of Christmas is giving and caring, so giving out those virtues makes everyone have the eternal spirit of Christmas.” -Adan

“MMMM, I wouldn’t just take his responsibilities, I would change the meaning of Christmas. I would take it back a few centuries. I would terrorize children, and I would bring back wreaths with pagan items. Instead of a jolly fat man, it is a scary cryptid deer. It would be the new Halloween.” -Helena

“Yes, I gotta make this good. I would wear … I have to be careful with my words… a down jacket and snow pants, and bunny boots. I would not give out any electronics because my elves are not that technologically advanced. I would stop giving gifts to kids above the age of 12 because they mostly want electronics… and money. I would also… mmm, I would also snowbird from the North Pole to the South Pole because penguins need a job, and I have ideas.” -Paula